In the course of our life, we may encounter various emotional traumas, such as betrayal and deception, which are like scars engraved deep in our hearts. If we want to “get out of the trauma”, the key first step is to recognize the past trauma from the depth of our heart, and pinpoint the source that triggered the trauma. From a psychological point of view, this process can be carefully divided into three steps, and with each step successfully completed, we are a little closer to the direction of self-liberation.
Self-awareness: Dissecting the type of defense you have when you are emotionally wounded
When a person is emotionally wounded, he or she will instinctively activate the self-defense system, and different people have different ways of defending themselves. Understanding which type of self-defense you belong to is an important prerequisite for subsequent healing.
The first is the “pleaser” type. This type of person is used to protecting themselves in a “people-pleasing” way. Once they enter into a close relationship, they will often set up in their minds that if I am good enough, they will love me more.
Therefore, when suffering from emotional trauma, such as experiencing betrayal or deception, they will first deny themselves, resulting in misconceptions such as “ta does not love me so much, it's because I'm not good enough” or “ta want to leave me, it's because I'm not doing well enough”. This reflects that their value judgment of themselves relies heavily on the “good” feeling given by the other person, rather than their own independent value.
Then there is the “aggressive type”. These people always blame others for their mistakes before they happen. For example, they will aggressively blame others, believing that it is their fault that caused the emotional tragedy at hand, and they hide their inner turmoil and vulnerability by constantly attacking others.
They think that by doing so they will not be easily hurt by others, but in fact this kind of “aggressive self-preservation” is very costly. Deep down they want to love, but they use aggression to keep others away.
Finally, there is the “Isolated” type. Instead of attacking others or trying to please them, they choose to hide themselves from the outside world and watch everything that happens around them with a cool eye. They wrap their true feelings in strong rational logic and protect themselves by isolating their emotions.
They don't easily show vulnerability and sadness, nor do they vent their emotions hysterically, but instead stay alone away from the crowd and lick their wounds in silence. If you notice yourself reacting in a similar way when you are emotionally wounded, you can categorize your self-defense style accordingly, thus preparing yourself for the next step of analysis.
Self-analysis: explore the root cause behind the injury
Different ways of self-protection determines our different attitudes when reflecting on the root cause of the injury, from the psychological point of view, we have a relationship destroyed “acceptance of incompetence,” there are mainly the following three reasons.
For the “people pleaser” personality, they can't get away from “perceived benefits”. Some people equate “feelings of interest” with “emotional attachment”. In an intimate relationship, whether you leave actively or passively, the reason why you feel sad when you lose the relationship is because you are attached to “the good part of the feeling”.
Sometimes people don't fall in love with the person themselves, but with the feeling they get from being with that person, or even with their own experience of love in the process. Once a new person brings the same or better feelings, it is easy to fall in love with the new feelings and the person.
For the “pleaser” personality, the most emotionally devastating thing for them is when the “feeling of interest” is completely stripped away, which destroys the system they use to check their self-worth against. Their inner thoughts may be: the person who loved me is gone, no one loves me anymore, I can't get those good feelings anymore. Behind this trauma is a deep despair and a complete denial of their own worth.
The “aggressive” personality is usually unable to let go of “vested interests”. Some of the “aggressive” personalities tend to have the “upper hand” in relationships because they are more active in launching emotional attacks in intimate relationships, and they have a vested interest in the relationship.
When the relationship has been hit hard, they will think: Why do you say that the end of the end, you want to cheat me to cheat me, I'm not willing to! They hold the psychological “the more you gain, the more intense the feeling of loss”, so it will be more painful than the payer, and their attack mentality will make them in a long time in the mood of anger, want to retaliate for the idea is also more intense.
The “isolated” personality tends to be unable to give up “material benefits”. Because of their natural rational thinking ability is stronger, when they consider things more important material interests, such as the reality of the factors, the future of the future, the family conditions, and so on.
Therefore, in the face of emotional trauma, even if the inner pain is not less than others, but reason will allow them to retain the last decency, free to leave. It is not that the isolationist personality cares about money, but the emotional experience of being isolated in childhood makes them firmly believe that emotions are unreliable and only material things will not betray them. Instead of immersing themselves in sadness or anger, it is better to let the pain of the wound flow naturally, which is the necessary process to face despair and get out of trauma.
Self-help: re-embrace the childhood “I”
The movie “Goodbye Lovers” has this sentence: If a relationship, did not turn you into a better person, but only to make you suffer, temperamental, it's a pity, you're with the wrong person.
That's why we need to seek true healing, and that's the beginning of healing by seeing ourselves authentically, feeling ourselves authentically, and attributing correctly. So why do we get angry, sad or heavily depressed when we are emotionally hard hit?
The truth is, it's not the thing itself that makes us feel hurt, it's the way we characterize ourselves as “victims”. Once our minds and hearts recognize that we are the ones who have been hurt, our emotions tend to get out of control. Because we will be angry, may be the other party's irresponsibility attributed to their own is a very bad person; we will be confused, may be to feel their own abandonment is attributed to unworthy of love; we will be hurt, may be because of the future of hope in an inappropriate person, and thus do not dare to believe in love again.
If you don't want to be a “victim”, how can you save yourself? The core lies in “knowing yourself, affirming yourself”. Here are some specific psychological practices for different personality types.
For people with a “pleaser” personality type, the applicable method is to keep an emotional diary. In psychology, an emotional diary is known as the "black box of psychological problems. By recording our emotional reactions, feelings, and thoughts every day, we can gain a deeper understanding of our own emotions and the psychological interactions between ourselves and others. Think carefully about what things in your life cause you to overreact emotionally.
The use of an emotional diary to analyze specific cases can help us to examine and think about our own behavior and emotions. Through the descriptions in the diary, we are able to see ourselves more objectively: we realize that we are not so bad, that we are able to control our feelings, and that it is easy to affirm ourselves. This has a positive impact on the self-growth of the “pleaser” personality, the reshaping of values, and the recovery from trauma.
The “aggressive” personality is suitable for [psycho sharing]. People with this type of personality are not really “violent”, they just need to vent their emotions. Simply put, they need to find someone they can trust, either a close family member or friend, or a professional counselor, to share their feelings and the “dark thoughts” they have hidden in their heart, and to let this person keep their secrets. In front of this trusted person, you can really be yourself and feel heard, accepted and understood. In the process of sharing your emotions, you can gain the power to heal.
For people with “isolating” personalities, it is best to intervene through external forces. It's not that people with “isolating” personalities can't walk away from their trauma, it's that they refuse to walk away from it.
They trap themselves in the pain, alone in the late-night memories of their partner's cheating or deceptive behavior, in a kind of want to leave but can not leave, want to break up but can not give up, want to be good but not good state, like a drawing for the ground as a prison.
Their inner thoughts may be: as long as I torment myself, I am taking revenge on you; only then can you feel my pain. This state is really heartbreaking, because they use the cheating party's problems to punish themselves, always in the emotional self internal consumption, so that they continue to suffer, but did not punish the person who really inflicted harm.
For the “isolated” personality, the most important thing is to admit that they are hurt, admit that they are not as hard-hearted as they pretend to be, so that they can repair the trauma. On the one hand, you have to understand what kind of damage you have experienced, and that your partner's cheating is the other person's problem, which does not affect your own value; on the other hand, looking at your partner's cheating behavior from a different perspective, and realizing that it is not abandonment, but the right to make new choices in life, you can minimize the trauma and repair the cracks in your heart.
External interventions include changing your outward appearance, indulging in spending to satisfy yourself, and stepping out of your comfort zone to meet challenges. It is when you take this step that you truly “walk away”.
Whether we choose to forgive, let go, or pretend to be strong, we must never forget that the ultimate goal is to be happy. Our core goal is to seize every opportunity to please ourselves, to walk away from this emotional trauma, to reconstruct the meaning of life, and to start a better future. This is our path to new life after emotional trauma, a challenging but hopeful journey of self-healing.