You're chatting with a woman you like, and suddenly she drops the bombshell: "Recently, someone has been pursuing me." Your heart skips a beat. What does she mean? Is she rejecting you? Testing you? What's the right response? In this comprehensive guide, we'll break down exactly how to handle this situation at different skill levels, from awkward beginner to smooth expert.
In This Guide
Before we dive into responses, it's crucial to understand why women mention other pursuers. Contrary to what many men believe, this statement is rarely about rejection. More often, it's a test of your confidence, an invitation to step up your pursuit, or a way to gauge your interest. She might be seeking reassurance of your attraction or trying to create a harmless sense of competition.
Relationship experts suggest that when a woman shares this information, she's often signaling that she sees you as a potential partner worth "vetting" through this subtle test. How you respond can either advance your connection or damage it irreparably.
The Bronze Level: Basic Responses (What Not to Do)
At this beginner level, men typically make one of two mistakes:
The Approval Response: "That's normal—you're so amazing!" While this seems complimentary, it effectively communicates lack of romantic interest and places you squarely in the friend zone. You've essentially given her permission to explore other options without considering you as one.
The Panic Response: "Who is he? Is he better than me? Do you like him or me?" This approach reveals extreme insecurity and neediness. It puts pressure on her to validate you while simultaneously suggesting you don't trust her judgment. This response rarely inspires attraction and often pushes women away.
Both bronze-level responses fail to advance your connection and potentially damage your standing with her.
The Silver Level: Strategic Questioning
Silver-level responders understand that her statement requires careful navigation. Rather than reacting emotionally, they respond with curiosity and humor:
The Curious Response: "Really? How's he pursuing you? Any approaches that actually made you interested? Share some details—I might learn something." This shows confidence while gathering valuable intelligence about what she finds appealing.
The Playful Response: "How are you feeling about it? Need me to pretend to be your boyfriend to help filter your options?" This injects humor while subtly positioning yourself as a potential partner.
The Insightful Response: "I've heard that when women mention other pursuers, it's often because they want more attention from a particular person. Could that be true here?" This direct but playful call-out can create meaningful tension and forward momentum.
While these responses maintain your dignity and keep the conversation engaging, they don't fully address the underlying question of your intentions toward her.
The Gold Level: Framework Breaking
Gold-level responders masterfully reframe the conversation while advancing their position:
The Mirror Technique: "What a coincidence—someone's been pursuing me too." This unexpected response immediately shifts the dynamic, making her curious about your situation rather than focusing on hers. When she inevitably asks about your pursuer, you can respond: "I'm not interested because I don't want to lead anyone on. I believe in being direct when I'm not feeling it—too honest for my own good sometimes!"
This approach accomplishes multiple goals simultaneously: It demonstrates your desirability, shows your integrity, and indirectly communicates that you don't settle for connections without genuine attraction.
The Values Demonstration: "How do you feel about it? I've always believed that if someone isn't interested, they should be clear about it rather than stringing people along." This positions you as a person with strong values while gently encouraging her to clarify her position regarding her pursuer—and potentially regarding you.
Gold-level responses successfully navigate the test while moving the interaction toward greater intimacy and clarity.
Advanced Principles for Handling This Situation
Beyond specific responses, certain principles separate successful navigators from those who falter:
Maintain Frame Control: Don't let her statement derail your confidence or change the dynamic of your interaction. Stay centered in your value regardless of external circumstances.
Demonstrate Non-Neediness: Your response should communicate that while you're interested in her, your happiness doesn't depend on her choosing you. This emotional independence is powerfully attractive.
Keep It Light: However you respond, maintain a playful, light-hearted tone. Heavy, intense responses typically backfire in these situations.
Use It as a Springboard: The best responses use her statement as an opportunity to advance your connection rather than just defending your position.
What About the Platinum Response?
While gold-level responses are effective, truly masterful communicators might respond in ways that are situation-specific and tailored to the unique dynamics between two people. The highest level of response often involves:
Complete Indifference: Sometimes the most powerful response is to acknowledge her statement without giving it weight—"Oh, interesting"—then smoothly transition to another topic. This demonstrates supreme confidence.
Directness: In certain contexts, being straightforward—"I'm not surprised someone's pursuing you; I've been working up the courage to ask you out myself"—can be remarkably effective when delivered with genuine confidence.
The common thread in advanced responses is authentic confidence and emotional maturity regardless of the specific words used.
Putting It Into Practice
Remember that no single response works in every situation. Consider your existing relationship dynamic, her personality, and cultural context when choosing your approach. The key is to avoid panic responses and instead choose something that aligns with your genuine personality while demonstrating confidence.
With practice, moments that once caused anxiety can become opportunities to demonstrate why you're the most compelling option among her pursuers.
What's been your experience with this situation? What responses have worked well for you? Share your stories and insights in the comments below!